A Song Of Ice And Haddock by Keven Shevels - REVIEW

Keven Shevels's second book is ‘A Song of Ice and Haddock’, a prequel to the hilarious ‘A Haddock Files at Midnight.’ Before we dive into the details of Ice and Haddock, you, dear reader, deserve some background notes. My notes, I hope, will give you an insight into Shevels’s mind and, more importantly, his reference indicators. At this point, I want to say I don’t know Shevels, but I get his particular brand of humour.

Shevels says about himself, ‘I’m a sad, twisted individual with a particular sense of humour.’ Shevel is not as individual as he thinks; if you didn't know, the book, ‘A Song of Ice and Haddock,’ could have been written by Terry Pratchett or Christopher Moore and smacks of Robert Rankin. Picture the scene: Shevels sits in his study, writing this book with pants on his head and pencils in his ears, listening to the best of Dave Allen on the gramophone. With that picture in your mind, let’s dive right into ‘A Song of Ice and Haddock.’

The unfortunate Ivor the Dogbreath is out and about doing his dailies in his unusual no-knicker attire when he stumbles upon a quest, literally falling over Colon the Barbarian (brother of Anal), who is on his way to take on the Dark Lord in Cumquat and save the princess by gathering a waddle of dubious characters with just as unlikely names.

Expect to meet a plethora of hapless characters: Rupert and his Rascally Robbers, Grunt son of Grunt, the Red Witch, Bog son of Bog, Plop son of Plopsy, Fartmonger and the tamely named Goldblum. If you can keep up with the cast (that’s a sideshow in itself) and keep a straight face, then you’re a better book reviewer than me.

There’s no real need to reveal the plot, as it’s a mixture of the usual boy meets girl, dwarf meets gay elves, or downtrodden hero meets his maker. Throw in some wizardry, swears, bum jokes, farts and halitosis (bad breath for those who don’t know), and you have the storyline. You won’t get a spoiler from me, as the best bits happen in your imagination. I won’t influence you by giving away the details or planting some visuals that will live rent-free in your head. Just know that the climactic showdown between Ivor's hapless gang and the Dark Lord is both intense and comical.

What you don’t get by my synopsis are the clever jokes, well-written double entendres, multiple references to diarrhoea and warts and descriptive details of decapitations that would keep a gaggle of privately educated schoolboys in material for a year. There’s little doubt that Ivor the Dogbreath is our bare-arsed hero, endearing at arm's length, and Princess Poolipong really doesn’t need rescuing. If you love Monty Python and The Holy Grail (especially the ‘Bring out your dead scene’), you will get ‘A Song of Ice and Haddock’; but if you’re looking for Harry, Hermione or Draco Malfoy, then this book will not be your bag of frogs.

Baby boomers are a shoo-in for this kind of humour; early Gen X will identify Shevels’s style with gags from The Young Ones and Bottom (a British sitcom created by Rik Mayall and Ad Edmondson). Readers across the pond might not relate to the British sense of humour, especially the Monty Python angle. In better news, the septics love Black Adder. This nod makes Shevels’s ‘A Song of Ice and Haddock’, a likely screenplay contender to replace HBO’s ‘The Last Of Us, ‘ or ‘Hades,’ a gamer’s favourite with a retro take on fantasy, in keeping with Shevels’s sense of intensity that sweeps through the entire story.

Keven Shevels is an accomplished writer. With several books exploring the scenic beauty and trails of various regions in the UK, he is a go-to tour guide. His notable works include ‘Walking in Teesdale,’ ‘Walking in Weardale,’ ‘Walking in the Cleveland Hills and ‘Up Hill Techniques for Off-Road Runners.’ Seventeen books in total, five fantasy titles and twelve non-fiction. Shevels is not going to stop; while his tales of Dogbreath race through the decades, his love of comedic challenges suggests that new twists and turns are afoot in that murky brain.

All that’s left is to call all ‘Gruzkelps’ to take the challenge and fight the good fight because if you can have sixteen children with Tosspot Fartmonger and die at the hands of the Chicken Molester of Cluck and live to tell the tale, you, a mere mortal can get to the end of this book. Don’t try to put it down, or you will lose the plot!

On a side note, it’s best to ignore the fact that Chlamydia and Cystitis live to rule the kingdom, proving that chlamydia and cystitis are not a unique British uni problem. Remember, if you can survive the wrath of the Chicken Molester of Cluck, you can handle the annual Gruzkelp family reunion. Just be sure to bring extra hand sanitiser because, in Shevels’s world, laughter is the best defence against tyrants, political incorrectness and terrible puns!